Because of Katherine
by ProtoZivot
Summary: Damon waited for her answer fear boiling in his gut. He didn't let it show though, wouldn't let Elena see how much he needed her to say no. And he'd be damn sure she wouldn't know how much it hurt him when she said yes.


"**Because of Katherine"**

_Damon waited for her answer fear boiling in his gut. He didn't let it show though, wouldn't let Elena see how much he needed her to say no. And he'd be damn sure she wouldn't know how much it hurt him when she said yes. _

**Okay just a short piece set like midway and end of Bad Moon Rising (episode 3 of season 2) and I did it from memory so some details may be off :)**

**I know my other stories are waiting rather impatiently, but I watched this last night and I was shocked at how Elena acted. I mean yeah, Damon's awful and crap, but didn't she realize how…what's the word…needy he was? I mean the guy had his heart like stomped on by Katherine and then Elena just like repeats the process. Stefan said the human traits are amplified and I'm beginning to think Damon's is like self-decrepitating or something. Anyhoo, what I'm getting at is after Katherine talked to Damon…I wanted to smash her and now I want to smash Elena. However I didn't want to kill either of them so I just settled for telling Damon's side of the story. So, Enjoy. **

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Damon walked up behind Elena a flicker of amusement thrumming through him as she yanked unsuccessfully trying to open the car door. He slid around her with a smirk. "Allow me," he said clicking the unlock button. The car beeped satisfyingly and Elena huffed avoiding Damon's eye as she opened the door. He sighed slightly slipping in front of her to block her entrance for a long overdue talk. He held the thick book he'd taken from Isobel's study out too her.

Elena took the book sending Damon a perplexed look. "What is this?" she asked. Her tone was haughty making Damon wince internally. It was the tone one used when conversing with someone they didn't like or were perpetually angry with.

"You didn't dig deep enough," he answered cryptically. It was so easy to fall back on his habits. To let his mouth say what it wanted while his heart yelled in protest willing it to speak differently. His mouth won nearly every battle anymore.

"Petrova?" Elena asked reading the name off the spine. "Yeah I saw it on the shelf. What's it got to do with Katherine?"

Damon smiled slightly leaning against the car. "She was originally from Europe. Petrova was her real name. _Katarina Petrova_," he drawled, pronouncing the name almost scornfully. Once he'd said it with love. Once he'd adored the woman it belonged to. No more. Not now, after nearly a hundred and fifty years spent pining after her only to have her rip out his heart, stomp on it and shove in his face once again that he wasn't as good as Stefan.

Elena frowned, doubt lacing her tone. "How do you know?"

"Guys snoop too you know. Let me know what you find. I'm curious," Damon said winking at Elena. He moved back giving her a clear path to get in the car but kept his hand braced against the roof. He cleared his throat preparing to arrive at the most important part of this conversation. The part that was really the whole reason he'd talked to her at all rather than just wordlessly handing her the book with an enigmatic 'read it'.

"You can't hate me forever," he said. He made sure to keep his voice light, almost arrogant. He wouldn't let her know how much he was hanging on her every word. How her simple answer would be the difference between him pulling himself up off the ledge or losing his grip to fall. "You hated me before and we became friends. It would suck if that was gone forever. I want to know. Have I lost it?" he asked. His tone had sounded a little earnest towards the end, but he couldn't bring himself to care. His heart had finally bullied its words in there and right now it was in control. He held his breath waiting.

Elena wouldn't look at him, directing her eyes at the trees behind him or the car. She didn't answer simply shaking her head slightly in a gesture Damon knew didn't mean no. It meant she didn't want to answer the question, and Damon felt a large lead rock settle painfully in his stomach. She climbed in the car and Damon pushed the door closed feeling almost like he was shutting a large iron door on a part of his long life he wanted desperately to grasp and keep forever.

He made sure to keep his face away from her view as he struggled to shove his emotions back down as he climbed in the passenger side and waited for Alaric.

The drive back was quiet, Damon absorbed in his own thoughts and neither of the other two willing to break the silence.

Damon closed his eyes leaning his head against the cool glass of the window. He'd never admit it out loud or tell Elena or Stefan, but the loss of Elena's easy friendship stung like salt coated wounds. And it was all Katherine's fault.

Katherine. Katherine. Katherine.

She wouldn't leave him the hell alone lately. Her memory tormented him, taunted him. He'd loved her, trusted her, and she'd dropped him flat on his face. Dropped him like everyone else in the world when they realized he was damaged, broken, faulty, whatever you wanted to call it: second best to Stefan. His father, mother, Katherine, Elena, anyone with a brain; it was always Stefan.

"_I love Stefan. It's always been Stefan."_

And she was right. And she apparently spoke for everyone.

But he'd had Elena's friendship. It had been his. Something of his that Stefan didn't have; even if Stefan had her love, Damon had had her friendship. Good, pure, trustworthy friendship, and in his typical explosively damaged manner he'd ruined it. All because of Katherine. Because of three words he'd never dreamed of hearing from Katherine's mouth—I love Stefan—and the unspoken words behind it—you're not good enough.

Damon hated being hated. He ran around making as many people as mad as possible and in a perverse way he thrived off of people hating him. But it wasn't their hate he thrived off of: it was the odd sense of self worthlessness he proved to himself over and over as he made people hate him. He thrived off of proving Stefan was better and that everyone was right. He wasn't good enough for anyone. And each time he proved it, he dropped farther into the dark hole in his mind having neither the will nor want to change himself, hiding instead deeper and deeper under cynical sarcasm and macho man bravado.

But Damon didn't want Elena to hate him. For her he had almost thought he was good enough. She'd almost fooled him, and despite knowing that she knew Stefan was better, he wanted that false belief back. That false belief that maybe he was good enough, at least to be her friend. He wanted someone to care about him because of him and not because of how what happened to him would affect them. And Elena had, but now she didn't. Because of Katherine. He shoved the thoughts away for the rest of the ride.

Damon followed Elena a few steps behind to her door. He didn't quite know why he'd followed her, just that he wanted to. She stopped, turning around to face him, looking him in the eye for the first time in hours. She took a deep breath clutching the book he'd given her to her chest.

"I need you to tell me the truth, Damon," she started quietly. Damon felt a feeling a dread well up in him. He knew what she would ask and he didn't want to lie anymore.

"Did you know Jeremy was wearing the ring?" Elena asked holding his gaze. Forcing the truth from his lips with her stare.

"No," Damon answered. He hated to tell her, to destroy the last fake hope of her ever forgiving him. If he had known Jeremy would come back, then killing him wasn't as bad as just flat out killing him. But this was just more proof that he wasn't good enough. For anyone.

"I," he started. He hadn't told Elena or Stefan what Katherine had said to him. He didn't want them to know. That was something for his ears only, for his heart only. "It's just Katherine made me so mad and I just snapped," he said finally, speed editing everything. "I don't know what I would have if he hadn't been wearing it." It was true. He honestly had no idea what he'd have done if he really had killed Jeremy. If he'd cursed him to eternity as a vampire or simply robbed him of his life, he would have never forgiven himself. Just like he would never forgive himself for scaring Elena like that, for hurting her.

Elena nodded. "Thank you for being honest with me. I needed to know."

Damon simply nodded as well sensing she wasn't done talking. Half of him hoped she would bring up their earlier conversation, finally answer his question and assuage his growing fears, but he wouldn't push.

"And the answer to your question," she started.

Damon waited for her answer fear boiling in his gut. He didn't let it show through, wouldn't let Elena see how much he needed her to say no. Needed her to prove him wrong for once. Show him again that he was worth caring about.

"Yes, you have lost me forever."

Damon blinked, mentally reeling backwards from her words. Words so hurtful, yet delivered much as one would decline an invitation to go to the movies. He swallowed, quickly processing the proof that he'd screwed up again and switching off the feelings. He wasn't going to let her know how much it hurt him when she'd said yes. No, like always, he buried it under sarcasm, cynic humor, and macho bravado.

"You used me," he stated sudden realization surfacing. It hurt more than he thought it would to say it. He'd thought she was different, but she was just like everyone else.

Elena didn't deny it. "I needed information."

Damon shook his head slightly. "You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks," he said shortly, not quite able to stifle all the hurt out as he strode off the porch ignoring her somewhat stunned look. He didn't care anymore. Turn it off, he thought, rely on your animal instincts. All he wanted right now was a few hundred glasses of strong alcohol so that maybe, just maybe, he could drown out the fact that he'd lost everything again.

And it was all because of Katherine.

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